Monday, April 28, 2014
As Baby Fix-It has just crossed the 18 month marker, I am struck with a sense of falling behind. It's imaginary, and pointless, and serves little purpose. But I still feel behind. I thought I'd be pregnant by now. I thought we would be further along in so many ways.
For so long, we are all on the same track. You go through school, you advance at a steady pace, you move forward. Then you finish college and everything goes haywire. At least that's how I felt. Get a job, continue with more schooling, find onself while backpacking in Europe, plan a wedding, stay single, move to a new city. Or do none of the above. As friends started to choose a path, I started to evaluate my worth. "She's already engaged?" Crap. "He's a VP?" Seriously.
And yet, when I step back, I can't argue that I have failed to achieve anything I've wanted for myself. But a voice inside keeps saying that I'm falling behind.
They say that people are more preoccupied with themselves than they are with you. That might be true. But when I see a mom with a 3 year old at the playground I wonder if she has a baby at home. Or if she's pregnant. Or if she hopes to be pregnant. Or if she only wants one child. So, while I try to figure out everyone else, I assume people are asking themselves the same things about me. Then I ask myself the million dollar question, "Why do I care?" I could talk about social approval, or fitting in, but really it's about the track. We are not on a track anymore. We are not graduating to the next grade. An A on the English paper doesn't exist. Some of us will get married late in our 30s. Some of us will only have one child. Some of us will have 5 babies. Some of us will be career driven, and others will stay at home. Some of us will go back for a doctorate degree once our children are school age. Some of us will switch our paths over and over.
While I field the sense of falling behind and try to answer, "So when are you having another baby?", I try to ignore the sting. I've mastered the kindly polite, "I'm ready whenever it happens" while saying a silent prayer: please let it happen. I know people aren't trying to be rude. Or judgmental. They're genuinely curious. I suffer from the same affliction. I'm saying I get it.
That sense of falling behind is a tough one though. I'm slowly learning to accept that my track is now my own. It's not perfect, or timed as I'd like. There are bends in the road where I can't see what's coming next. Enjoy when the path is clear and easy. Have hope when all you can do is move forward.
A Therapist and an Engineer take on Marriage, Home Ownership, and Parenthood. One project at a time.
30 before 30 30 day photography challenge accessories announcement art babies baby baby 2 baby names baby products baby registry baby shower backsplash bathroom beauty before and after birth birth story birthday blog sale breastfeeding career carerra marble tile childhood memory christmas closet cloth diapers clothes coffee cooking crib currently loving decor dining room diy doorknobs energy entryway equality family fashion fertility five on a friday fix its rewind food football gallery wall gender reveal gifts giveaway greece guest post happenings via iphone pics healing health holiday Home Home Ownership homeownership honeymoon hospital bag infertility inspiration invitations IVF journey to baby 2 kitchen life living room loss love marriage mattress mental health miscarriage miscellaneous monday miscellany mom stuff monkey party moving Napa newborns northwestern not finding out nursery nursery inspiration one year old party paint party photography pinterest post partum anxiety pregnancy pregnancy week by week product review products psychology quick fix random recap recovery renovation reverb10 San Francisco savvy sassy moms sewing shoes sleep team green technology thanksgiving therapy toys travel twin boys twins vacation wedding weddingbee post weekend-killer weightloss wishlist year in photos yoga
- ▼ 2014 (31)
- ► 2013 (37)
- ► 2012 (83)
- ► 2011 (157)