Sunday, March 30, 2014

At Least We Knew

{photo source: @hidinginhere via instagram}

In the wake of everything that has happened in the last two months, I come back to the words "at least we knew" over and over. We knew, just days after a positive test, that the pregnancy might not be viable. The day my HCG didn't double, I prepared myself for loss. Mr. Fix-It remained more optimistic. I think for him the real loss happened the morning of the no heartbeat ultrasound. Either way, we knew that the worst, a loss, was a possibility. It always is, but this was different. The other words I came back to were "bracing for impact". I was. Week after week after week.

It's funny - well not funny - but when I heard clients talk about miscarriages I always had this feeling. I had thought to myself, many times, that I was sure it was nothing I would experience. I believed in the adage that the universe will never give you more than you can handle. And I believed that I could truly never, not ever, handle the heartbreak of a miscarriage. I told myself that it would destroy me. It would be a level of pain so unimaginable I'd never be the same.

Then this crazy thing happened. It happened. It happened to me. And I survived. I was actually ok. I was sad. So deeply, painfully sad, but also full of hope. The morning of my D&C I felt a profound sense of relief. All the stress, all the worry, all the anxiety of this maybe-hopefully-cautiously-optimistic pregnancy was gone. Hope. Hope told me that our next baby, the one that is meant to be will come in due time. And my HCG will double, and the gestational sac will be the right size, and the baby will grow to be strong and healthy. That is the baby we will take home. And I know we will. We are meant to have more children.

12 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to read this- I'd just gotten over my 2nd when I read about your pregnancy. This brings back the memories of my husband being optimistic, but I kept feeling fewer and fewer symptoms until the confirmation.

    It's something that takes time, and it gets better bit by bit. Keep busy, and look forward to the next thing. That's what helped me, and with spring coming busy is the best thing for a hurting heart.

    Farin
    www.farinvazquez.blogspot.com

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about this but I am so blown away by your optimism!! It's so empowering and inspiring! Especially because my husband and I have been TTC for 4 years so I know how very difficult this must have been. With TTC alone, I became consumed and let the sadness and negativity swallow me whole. I realized that I needed a break from all the fertility ups and downs in order to find myself again. Be happy and optimistic for our future...whatever it may hold. And I truly am inspired by your outlook – thank you so much for sharing and motivating me not to give up!

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    1. Your words are really humbling! I'm inspired by you. Four years is no small feat. Phew. That gives me a lot of perspective.

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