Monday, August 18, 2014

 Life with Baby Fix-It is easy. Even when I am stressed out, frazzled, and breaking into a sweat because I'm trying to juggle one too many things at once I know that our life is easy. We go for walks. Baby Fix-It (momentary pause -- I think it's officially time to upgrade him to "Little Fix-It") points which way to go. We wander and find adventure. We go to the park and he plays happily. He lets me know when he's had his fill by trying to climb in the stroller. There's no schedule. We go with the flow. Shopping trips are a breeze. He happily sits in the cart or helps me get things off shelves. He is generally a cooperative and just plain awesome kid. Of course there are meltdowns. And of course there are times when things don't go his way. But overall? I know I am truly lucky.

When we started down the road of fertility treatments last fall I kept coming back to the same thought over and over: Life will never be this easy again.

It makes me want to pause. Bottle time. Find a way to be as present as possible. The thought that life will never be this easy gives me both an amazing sense of peace and a jolt of anxiety.

A big, crazy, busy household has always been my dream. Little Fix-It is meant to be a big brother. Bring on the chaos, right? I can't wait. But, wow, this is going to be nuts.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Is there anything you have always instinctively known about your life? I have always felt a connection to twins. I have just always known.

When I was little I loved pretending my dolls were twins. Naming them was always the best part. In 5th grade I wrote a paper on the science of twins. That Christmas I asked for books (for very important research purposes, of course) on multiples and as a result I have a handful of books circa 1992 on the bookshelf outside my childhood bedroom on the topic. By senior year of high school I did a photography project on siblings with a special interest on twins. Friends of mine, who are identical twins, introduced me to other twins. I was so fascinated interviewing them. By college I declared that I was a twin (unlikely, but being adopted I always had that teensy wonder), I was going to marry a twin, or I was going to have twins of my own. I just knew it.

So, when I met Mr. Fix-It I was only moderately disappointed to discover he did not have a twin brother. But, he had twin cousins. I took it as a good sign even though paternity has literally nothing to do with multiples.

And then we got married. Wished to start a family. And learned of our fertility challenges. On some level I accepted our course very readily knowing a puzzle piece had fallen into place: this was how I was going to have twins. It all made sense. No one wishes to have to travel down the path of IVF. But I felt comfort in the universe telling me I was on the right track.

Now that we have shared the news of our twins with the world, the first question is, "Were you shocked?!" Nope. Not in the least. I always knew.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
We have talked about moving for quite some time now. Our condo was never intended to be our forever home. We always said it would survive one child, but never two. We love living in the city. We love stepping outside our door and having access to shops, restaurants, the train, parks, Lake Michigan, our doctors, my office, just literal steps away. But we never had long term plans to raise our family in the city.

In January we were finally feeling ready to put our condo in the market. We spoke to our realtor and decided early March was an ideal time based on market trends. Then in January our condo flooded. By March construction was not complete. Then the miscarriage happened. There was no way we could have left our network of fertility doctors at that point. So, we were completely frustrated that the universe had slowed our plans. We were getting so excited for the next chapter.

Finally May rolled around and we were in the throws of a fresh IVF cycle. The Master Bath renovation was almost complete. We decided to list in June. We were finally ready to say goodbye to our little slice of city living.

And then our condo sold in just 20 days. Last weekend we started looking at houses. I've started to tell my clients that my practice is closing and relocating.

It's the craziest thing. Even when you've talked and daydreamed and wished and wondered for over a year, it still suddenly seems like a whirlwind when it all starts happening.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Mr. Fix-It and I were really excited by the idea of not finding out the sex of our baby. We made the decision to be Team Green long before we were pregnant. I blogged about our reasons a while ago.

Here's the interesting part, though. I'm quite sure I wouldn't do it again. I've even used the words "anticlimactic" and "tedious for no good reason". It was completely amazing, don't get me wrong, but also something was missing for me.

In hindsight, I think I would have felt more bonded and connected with our baby knowing if it was a boy or girl. It's not to say that I felt disconnected. It's just that mental picture. Imagining your life with a son or daughter. The moment you meet your baby is phenomenal no matter what; the added surprise of finding out the sex did not make the moment any more powerful. Nothing could. It was the most incredible moment of my life.

When I was pretty far along in the pregnancy, a nurse at my OB's office made a comment about having a little girl. She had my chart in hand, and I was sure she'd seen something. I quickly told her that we weren't finding out and we didn't want to know the sex of the baby. She quickly said she was "just guessing!" and went on with the appointment. I was quite sure she had completely ruined the surprise. But when I left for work that day, all I could think about was having a little girl. It felt like this secret only I knew. As time wore on I convinced myself that she truly hadn't seen anything in my chart. And of course, you know how the story ends. So no surprise was ruined.

I still feel strongly about having gender neutral baby gear to use with future children. And I'm glad I didn't have overwhelming "boy" stuff everywhere. But, I had no intentions of dressing my kid like a neuter either. Little boy clothes wouldn't have killed me.

Next time around, if we are lucky enough to have a next time, I definitely want to find out. If for no other reason than to experience pregnancy both ways. Maybe if we have a third or fourth kid we'll be surprised again. But for now, I hope to have the bond of "knowing". And I like the idea of an additional surprise, another celebration - finding out the sex in a fun way. A cake with pink or blue icing on the inside? It's probably a little tired. But how many times do you get to enjoy a moment like that?


A Therapist and an Engineer take on Marriage, Home Ownership, and Parenthood. One project at a time.

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