Thursday, September 18, 2014
Several people have asked me if I was going to document this pregnancy as I did for Little Fix-It. While I knew I wanted to do something a little different, I wasn't sure exactly what that meant. After the miscarriage in March, I felt very reluctant to take weekly bump photos. In fact, I had a lot of anxiety during the first trimester. My OB, who I've mentioned loving a million times, offered to see me biweekly as she knows pregnancy after loss can be especially difficult. Even still, I bad stomach ache had me on the brink of tears not knowing if it was in fact a stomach ache or a miscarriage. So, in truth, I spent a bit of time actively not getting attached. Before every test, every ultrasound, every appointment, I was physically ill. Maybe it was a hint of morning sickness, but really, my nerves were shot.

Lucky for us, at every turn, things looked perfect. My beta numbers were off the charts. (For those of you that know HCG Betas: 1,441 at 12dp5dt. 3,151 at 14dp5dt. 7,000+ at 15dp5dt.) We heard heartbeats at 5 weeks, both above 100. The babies and their gestational sacs measured as they should, if not a day or two ahead. Everything was completely different than it had been a few months before. Even with all that reassurance, I was still scared.

The answer about documenting this pregnancy became "Eventually. Life is so crazy with selling our condo and trying to move!" It was true. But I also felt superstitious. 8 weeks became 12. Then 12 became 15. Time started to disappear.

So here I sit at 19 weeks, with a ever-growing bump. And two babies on the way. And a realization: I've been documenting this pregnancy all along. I wanted to do something different. I'll catch you up 3 weeks at a time!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014
It's been nearly a month since we packed up a moving truck with our life's belongings and moved from Chicago to Rhode Island. It's exciting, undoubtedly a new adventure, and also very emotional.

For me, Chicago was where I grew up. Not where I was raised, but the place I went from being an 18 year old college student to an adult. It's where I found myself. I learned independence there. How to make real decisions. It's where I discovered that idiot boyfriends are just that, and if you have to you can pack up your car, sublet your apartment on craigslist, and drive far, far away. Or you can meet the man you are going to marry and start a life together. It was the place that I bought my first car. And learn that even if your parents aren't paying for it they can still be very, very, very mad that you sold a perfectly good car. It was where I had a few different jobs, but spent most of my time in school. Northwestern always called me back. That campus is good for my soul. I certainly made some mistakes. And I grew.

Moving "back home" is simply weird. There are things I am so excited to experience. And there are pieces that give me deep anxiety. Raising our children near my family means the world to me. This time, this phase, this transition is so full of unknowns. It has so much potential to be amazing. But right now I feel adrift. Last night was our second night in our new home. We have moving boxes everywhere. I know that feeling settled is going to take some time.

We officially closed on our new house a week ago. Mr. Fix-It has taken to calling it a shithole. We have to laugh because a 1910 house in New England is a very different thing than a 10 year old condo in the city. Drywall vs. plaster. Character vs. cookie cutter. Old creaky floors vs. shiny and new. Chipped paint. Iffy patch jobs. Dents, dings, wear and tear. We will have a great time making it our own. And probably suffer a few headaches along the way. Ultimately it's our next chapter. It's the first home our twins will know. Likely the first home Little Fix-It will remember. It's where we will become a family of 5. It's where that school bus that stops on the corner will pick up our kids and bring them to school. If Chicago is where we began as a couple, this is where we will truly begin as a family.

Monday, August 18, 2014

 Life with Baby Fix-It is easy. Even when I am stressed out, frazzled, and breaking into a sweat because I'm trying to juggle one too many things at once I know that our life is easy. We go for walks. Baby Fix-It (momentary pause -- I think it's officially time to upgrade him to "Little Fix-It") points which way to go. We wander and find adventure. We go to the park and he plays happily. He lets me know when he's had his fill by trying to climb in the stroller. There's no schedule. We go with the flow. Shopping trips are a breeze. He happily sits in the cart or helps me get things off shelves. He is generally a cooperative and just plain awesome kid. Of course there are meltdowns. And of course there are times when things don't go his way. But overall? I know I am truly lucky.

When we started down the road of fertility treatments last fall I kept coming back to the same thought over and over: Life will never be this easy again.

It makes me want to pause. Bottle time. Find a way to be as present as possible. The thought that life will never be this easy gives me both an amazing sense of peace and a jolt of anxiety.

A big, crazy, busy household has always been my dream. Little Fix-It is meant to be a big brother. Bring on the chaos, right? I can't wait. But, wow, this is going to be nuts.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Is there anything you have always instinctively known about your life? I have always felt a connection to twins. I have just always known.

When I was little I loved pretending my dolls were twins. Naming them was always the best part. In 5th grade I wrote a paper on the science of twins. That Christmas I asked for books (for very important research purposes, of course) on multiples and as a result I have a handful of books circa 1992 on the bookshelf outside my childhood bedroom on the topic. By senior year of high school I did a photography project on siblings with a special interest on twins. Friends of mine, who are identical twins, introduced me to other twins. I was so fascinated interviewing them. By college I declared that I was a twin (unlikely, but being adopted I always had that teensy wonder), I was going to marry a twin, or I was going to have twins of my own. I just knew it.

So, when I met Mr. Fix-It I was only moderately disappointed to discover he did not have a twin brother. But, he had twin cousins. I took it as a good sign even though paternity has literally nothing to do with multiples.

And then we got married. Wished to start a family. And learned of our fertility challenges. On some level I accepted our course very readily knowing a puzzle piece had fallen into place: this was how I was going to have twins. It all made sense. No one wishes to have to travel down the path of IVF. But I felt comfort in the universe telling me I was on the right track.

Now that we have shared the news of our twins with the world, the first question is, "Were you shocked?!" Nope. Not in the least. I always knew.


A Therapist and an Engineer take on Marriage, Home Ownership, and Parenthood. One project at a time.

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